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Home Repairs and Parenting: A Grandparent’s Experience

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Will life ever be smooth-flowing? After constantly contacting CYFD (New Mexico’s department for protecting kids) for information (i.e., is there a class for parenting troubled kids?) for almost three years and never getting a response, I did something stupid. I emailed them with a demand for help or information. Result: they came out to investigate, decided Grandpa and I were “abusive,” and moved the kids to my single daughter’s house.

Did you know that time-outs are considered torture and that scolding is now illegal? They claim that “calmly discussing” things with children will get the desired results. Now I understand why so many kids have absolutely no clue what discipline is, or how to handle the word “no,” or how to overcome disappointment — and go to school with guns to shoot teachers!

In the almost three years we’ve had them, these grandkids went from being feral (as described by the therapist) to being half-way decent people. They were taught how to eat using silverware at a table with the whole family (something they knew nothing about), how to use the toilet (they were still wetting their pants and bed at age 7), how to say things like “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me,” and learned to do things like read, cursive writing, and feeding animals. Yes, they still have major issues due to the horrible circumstances of their past, but the difference is like night and day. And my single daughter with limited income is doing her best with them, including fun.

Until CYFD decides what they want to do, the entire family is in limbo. A decision was supposed to have been made within 21 days, but its now been three months. This means the poor kids do not know from day-to-day what is going to happen next, they have no food stamps or benefits, no medical appointments; and for emergencies, Grandpa and I have to pay cash for anything they might need, including Emergency Room visits. Meanwhile, the bills pile up and we wait for the government to release those poor kids and us before we can move forward.

Rather than sit and fret, Grandpa and I have focused on winterizing the house and working on repairs. The exterior walls were a mess even before we moved in, but new cracks had shown up. Just look at the progress!!

Here’s some of the “before” pictures:

Compare with the half-way point:

And now the finished product.

It was all done with the base paint we had acquired before the kids arrived. We hope to be able to save up enough to buy some paint to finish the job this spring. The section of wall that was missing stucco now has foam sheets and plywood. We are planning on installing a front door there in the spring.

How about a light brick color for the walls? We’re not sure yet. We’ll need about 20-25 gallons of paint for that, and we really don’t want to mess up on the color!

Any suggestions?

Life with Grandkids: Adventures and Gardening

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Every time I think life will settle down a little, things just get crazier. Its amazing how three grandkids can make life so much more “interesting.”

Easter came and went. Of course that meant we absolutely had to join in some of the festivities, at school and out. One of the things we did was go to a community Easter egg hunt. Our pre-teen, Jordan, tried to be nonchalant about the affair. Amazingly, he ended up having fun despite being “too old” for such nonsense (he’s 12).

The 7 & 8-year old (Jazzy & Jojo) were more than happy to show their enthusiasm, before, during and after. Notice the stoic 12-year-old with Grandpa behind the bunny. It was wintry, but it sure was fun!

Then came the school activities as they prepared for summer break. Jordan starts middle school this year, so the elementary school held a Promotion Celebration. He was so proud to be an “upper class man.” Now he’s looking ahead to being on a basketball team once school starts. Personally, I’m thinking Grandpa will be the proudest and will be the one taking him to all the practice sessions. We plan on dragging all the kids to the actual games. After all, we have to be there to cheer our team on, right?

The weather finally broke and warmed up, so have prepped the garden area. This meant turning the soil over and mixing in all the compost we’ve been generating. While starting seedlings in the trays, we have also started working on the herb/flower garden as well. Step one: set up the border with a pebbled walk-way.

We discovered an earlier property owner had acquired a ton of pebbles that were dumped into two large piles. Over the years the large piles eroded and spread, but were concentrated in one large area.

So, the kids and I are gathering all the stones by hand. We then put them in buckets and cans. Once the future walkway is cleared and prepped, we dump our latest collection on the liner.

When not helping me with the gardening, the kids while away their time in the yard. They play on the swing set, play ball or run around the yard with the dogs. I received the wonderful gift of a Siberian Husky (named N’Mush). I had several non-Husky owners tell me that huskies are too dangerous for children. Well, here’s a picture of my Killer Canine after the kids finally stopped playing tag with the dogs. Be afraid, be very afraid!!

During all this I have to cook everyday for five people on a very limited budget. Plus, I don’t want to repeat the same thing night after night. There’s this one cookbook that has saved my butt and I love it. It tells me to use ingredients that don’t cost a fortune like so many other cookbooks. It is primarily a “vegan” cookbook, but I add meat to most (hamburger, chicken, etc.). Even better, I can find everything at any grocery store. It cracks me up that the kids are telling their friends that Grandma makes “gourmet” food! LOL

The book is called “Earth Song Cookbook.” I love the large print, so I don’t have to squint or keep taking my glasses off & on. Its on Amazon (click the book name for more info) and I am telling everybody about it. I think part of the reason I love it is all the information it provides with the ingredient list. It tells what vitamins and stuff everything has and how it helps build good health. Let us not forget the most important thing: the food is absolutely delicious!!

I’ve recruited the kids in doing my blogs. They are eager to “edit and create” and they have me working on the next one already. As a result, I’ll probably do a lot better in keeping up regularly!

From Chaos to Comfort: Our Family’s New Normal

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Since the last time I posted so much has happened that it makes my head spin. In quick summary, we received full custody of three grandkids in April 2023. This meant all work on the homestead had to come to a temporary halt. To complicate everything, my Mom passed away in November 2023 (will be doing a tribute to her here at a later date).

When the kids first came to live with us (picture of the day custody was finalized), they were an emotional and mental train wreck. At their young age, they had already faced:

  • Seeing their dad pass away (cancer),
  • Living with their gambling, addicted mother out of an abandoned, stolen vehicle for about four months before she abandoned them at a hotel,
  • Having all their funds (their dad’s insurance and pension money) stolen by a foster caretaker before being abandoned again, and then
  • Being separated from each other while they went house-to-house in the foster care system.

With me and Grandpa, they had to learn new things, like:

  • Home cooked meals did not come out of a bag or barrel and are a good thing,
  • How to eat at a table as a family every night and how to use silverware,
  • How to clean off and fix a bed (beds are not for hiding toys and food), and
  • Normal hygiene (i.e., how to wash their entire body in a tub/shower) and brush their teeth.

Jazzy (the youngest and a girl) was almost 6 years old and still not using the toilet. These few details were just a few of the challenges we faced. So, all work on the homestead came to a complete grinding halt.

Their first Christmas had them not being able to sleep the night before. They knew their Uncle, Auntie and cousins were coming by for a huge present opening fest. They had presents with their names piled up around a Christmas tree!

Two years later they now believe they are entitled to have regular hot meals, are doing great in school and most of the major hurtles have been overcome. They are still fearful about the lack of food. So, we keep the pantry and refrigerator/freezer locked, but they know that snacks and meals are consistent and predictable. Snacks are just not available at any time — as in, no snacks 30 minutes before dinner.

They now know what its like to have family attend a school function. They even had a birthday party at an amusement park.

We want to tackle a camping trip this summer with tents and sleeping bags and meals cooked on a grill in the middle of nowhere. I hope they don’t relive the nightmare of street living, but instead see that tents and sleeping bags for camping can be fun.

We also plan to work on the homestead again. First on the list is prepping the garden areas. All three think this work is so much fun. They helped to pick and shop for seeds and are learning about companion gardening. Plus, they are learning the traditional Native American way of planting. So much to teach them and they are loving it (at least so far). The chance to dig in the dirt and get filthy-dirty seems to be the biggest thrill!

Now that things are settling into a basic routine (with everyone helping with chores), my little blog will hopefully be up and running again!

Building a Future

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We have been able to accomplish three major goals in the last month!

First, our solar farm. We will be paying for it the next 10 years, but we know within three years it will be significantly cheaper than the utility payment. Jim had to clear out the area where it was to be erected.

On day one, the contractor (Solaris) brought in some heavy equipment to lay the electrical lines underground, hook up the electrical box, and start setting up everything to mount the panels.

When the panels were finally mounted and everything was done, we learned we have to wait for the inspector to come out before we can turn everything on and start using our solar power. Egads, I’m excited to start accessing our investment, so the delay is maddening.

The other major development is being able to see the grandkids after being stonewalled by the San Felipe Pueblo for over five years. Jim is not Native and I’m from a different Pueblo, so they were not happy about allowing us to even talk to them. Under normal circumstance, we would have custody of them after their Dad’s death and their Mom being unable to care for them at the moment. The kids are half Native, so the San Felipe Pueblo intervened and the ensuing nightmare for the family began.

Jim looked so handsome in his suit when we went to court for the visitation hearing.

Although we only get to see or talk to the kids every other weekend, having visitation with them every other weekend is a thrill.

This first weekend we had Mom with us too because she has not been able to see them either. Such a blessing to reunite them with their Mom. I tried to stay in the background as much as possible in order to give Mom and the three kids a chance to re-bond. We get them again this coming weekend, and we are so excited about it!

The last major accomplishment was finishing up the grandkids’ room and making them curtains. A gender-neutral fabric was chosen, thick light-blocking/thermal lining was sewn in, tie-backs sewn and everything was mounted. It took almost three weeks of constant work to get it all done.

I love the results of this last month! Now to finish up the chicken/pig run and their “house” plus get the garden started…..

It Never Stops….

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It seems I haven’t been able to update since Halloween. Egads. I’ll try to give quick updates on everything before detailing our homestead progress.

For the holidays, my daughter, Carol, held dinner for us. She is such an outrageously good cook. I like to consider myself her first teacher, but at this point, she is teaching me!! Have I mentioned she has a cookbook out that I use and love? (click here for link to cookbook) Now she’s working on a new one, and I just know it will probably be as good, if not better, than the first!

Popcorn (our latest family addition) has gone from a little bundle of fur to a powerhouse of energy. She is sooo funny and still cuddly, but will only tolerate a quick hug before running to get one of her toys. Afterall, time for a cuddle means there’s time for play!

Due to roof leaks, we had to redo the ceiling in two rooms. First step, Jim went up and replaced most of the roof and the rest he patched. Fortunately, this was done before the weather turned arctic — it was chilly, but not insanely cold and windy yet.

We thought the living room was completed, but leaks meant having to redo the ceiling. Just look at the mess that leak made! Now it looks pretty again!

The sun room’s leak was the worst. Thankfully, we had not really started re-doing that room, so it was still in need of overall overhaul. The leak meant Jim had to redo the adobe, then stucco on the ceiling, above the window, and below the window. With all the windows, the warming sun helped dry everything quickly, so then we focused on finishing up the room.

Jim sealed all the gaps in the ceiling boards, sealed the windows, sealed the ristras to the ceiling, patched all the nail holes and cracks, and then painting.

The hodge-podge of dark colors on the walls and windows took two and three coats, but now the room looks huge!

The only thing left is scrubbing the brick flooring and sealing that. Whew! That leaves curtains and moving furniture into the room. Guess I will have to make the ultimate sacrifice and go shopping at the fabric and/or hobby store. **sigh** How I suffer! (**giggle**)

I plan on making the little alcove into a mini-office. The rest of the room will either be a guest room or our grandkid’s room. Check out the view from that room on the last night of painting!

Have I mentioned that Jim’s oldest (daughter Stephanie) has fallen on hard times. She, Novelle, and the kids had been living on the reservation, but she was booted out because she wasn’t Native. She left the kids with Novelle while she tried to get situated. Then, Novelle developed cancer, did not tell anyone, and reservation folks found out just before he passed away. Long story-short: Jim and I are trying to get guardianship of the kids instead of having them separated in various homes, but it has proven to be a nightmare. I am Native, but not from that reservation; Jim is not Native at all. Plus, Novelle had a 401K and life insurance that has been cashed in. The folks at that rez are using the kids’ inheritance plus the monthly survivors stipend from the government to live on; we opened trust accounts to hold that money for the kids’ future, which we don’t get unless we get the kids (if any is left). Put it all together and you have a mess. The Indian Child Protection Act is overall a great thing, but unfortunately, it can be manipulated in the wrong way. Nonetheless, we are going to keep trying to get our grandbabies. Wish us luck!

Spooky!

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We had a little bit of fun since our last blog.

Jim bought a pumpkin, scraped out most of the meat from the inside and made a great Jack-o-Lantern. I loved it! As it slowly caved in, it got even scarier. Finally, it collapsed and we gave it to the pigs. They thought they had died and gone to heaven!

We had a few weeks of almost continuous, daily rain. No great deluge, but a steady drizzle that took a toll on our future livingroom. Just look at the scarey results of that roof leak!

So, Jim went up top and discovered the previous owner had smeared some stuff called SnoRoof on top of old tar paper. Well, it leaked. So, Jim put up some repaired propanel and sealed the cracks with silicone. We will have to redo and replace the entire roof, but hopefully it can wait until next spring! On a day that is too nasty to work outside, we’ll fix the ceiling.

Meanwhile, it was decided to get the chicken/pig run ready for the critters, plus the critter house. We are going to use the old trailer that had been left.

Jim and I patched it up somewhat and spent two weeks doing nothing but cleaning it out. What we did not bag up for the trash was thrown out the door. Just look at the pile we will have to sort through later (in our ‘spare time’).

Inside the trailer we found some rotting carpet pieces that hid rotting floor boards. So, we will have to put down wood on the floors before we can put up some poles for roosting. The old tables we found in there we will be keeping and making them into tiered laying boxes. Before tackling this project, we turned our attention to the future “animal run.”

After some deliberation, it was decided to allow the old dying tree to remain. We opted to clean it all up to give the critters a personalized jungle gym. Just cleaning up that mess meant another week of daily work, plus using the bobcat to move the piles of rocks and boulders. When that project is done, I’ll post pictures of our masterpiece!

Using the old trailer as the critters’ house means making sure they don’t crawl under it to escape, right? So, we piled as many rocks as we could under it and then Jim started piling dirt around it.

We took one day off to attend the Albuquerque Youth Pow Wow. That was so much fun! It was Jim’s first, and I managed to get him to dance one All Nations Dance. Those kids were wonderful and the food was incredible. The Native chef that prepared the public feast is working on a cookbook, and judging by the eats we had, its gonna be one I’m gonna want!

Looks like the weather is starting to seriously change, so we hope to kick it into high gear in order to finish up all the outside work. We can then focus on moving in. That will mean we will be living in a construction zone, but we continue having high hopes. Can you believe Turkey Day is almost here?

Family Expansion

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While my Mom was staying with us, we had some household changes – it grew!

We had gone shopping in town and when we were preparing to come home, a little girl in the parking lot got our attention.  She was almost in tears, so we obviously stopped everything.  She relayed that her dad’s dog (a purebred Blue Tick Healer) had gotten out of the yard and later come home pregnant.  Her daddy was very unhappy about it.

The puppies were born and now about 7 weeks old.  The sire had clearly NOT been another Blue Tick Healer.  Her dad intended to give the pups to a man who operated a dog fighting ring, but she convinced him to try to get them adopted.  He gave her one day, and so, she was at my car. 

After I stepped out of the car, the teary, little girl (about 10 years old), ran to the pick-up, grabbed one of the puppies and handed it to me.  She advised that one was the most sedate and loving.  As I held it, I saw it was covered with ticks and fleas, the puppy didn’t even try scratching, and looked up at me with the sweetest, sad little eyes.  Well, guess what.

Meet Popcorn.  These are the pictures of the sweet thing after we bathed and de-bugged her.  She was so tiny and sweet.  Although we already had three dogs, there was no way I was able to resist a misty-eyed little girl and that cute puppy who was in a dire situation. Mom insisted on holding her on her lap as much as possible, she too had her heart stolen by that little bundle.

Here she is today — about two months later.  Gadzooks – she is a bundle of energy with a never-ending appetite  Still not sure what breed(s) her papa was, but I’m guessing she has a little pitbull.  She has some faint spots starting to show on her floppy little ears.

We named her Popcorn because she is forever popping up and down.  Once all the ticks and fleas were gone, and the welts and bites healed, she became the perpetual bouncing machine. 

She’s so smart and funny.  Dear heavens, she won’t stop growing.  We have fallen in love, and Popcorn fits in well with the rest of our brood.

Elder Care – Mom Needs Me

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I was notified by Protective Services that my Mom (95 years old) needed help, so I dropped everything and flew out-of-state. Ended up staying for almost two months trying to help get things straightened out.

My brother moved back to Michigan to stay with Mom a year ago because he felt Mom needed help. In that year (during the pandemic), she lost her two closest friends, had a minor heart attack, was in an accident that totaled her car (she was driving) and developed an ear infection that cost her hearing. Although she is somewhat familiar with computers and the internet, all her community meetings were being done via Zoom, which presented her with new challenges she was having difficulty with.

One of the items in Protective Services’ complaint stated my brother was “verbally assaulting” Mom. They did not realize that Mom had lost most of her hearing, so he had to yell in order for her to hear him. She insisted she could hear just fine and didn’t need the hearing aids the doctor recommended.

After arriving I learned of numerous other issues she was having, so I did everything I could to fix as much as possible. One major obstacle was opening a new bank account to centralize her finances. Then, making sure unnecessary expenditures were eliminated, i.e., numerous monthly car warranty payments with various companies when she didn’t have a car anymore.

Thanks to a community organization Mom had been involved with for decades, LA SED (Latin Americans for Social & Economic Development), a lot of hurtles were quickly dealt with and the Protective Services complaint was dropped when all the issues were resolved. Then LA SED financed our train trip back to New Mexico. The hope was that she would be willing to stay with me, and every effort was made, but in the end she wanted to go home.

While in New Mexico, we shopped, relaxed, she reviewed what we had done on the house and presented some great suggestions and ideas, and saw some sights.

During the time with me and Jim, I found that besides her hearing issue, she was now easily confused, had lost most of her short-term memory, and tired easily. Jim and I tried to cater to her every whim, but we saw she was having numerous issues.

Despite strong objections by us, she strenuously insisted she wanted to go home, so we finally relented and she took a train trip home. One major accomplishment was that she acknowleged she had become hard-of hearing.

My brother has since started working nights so he can be with her during the days, and the challenge to find someone to stay with Mom from about 4 pm til she goes to bed is overwhelming. Her short-term memory has had her burning things on the stove and her balance is not up to par. With stairs in the house, her tenuous balance is concerning, so we don’t want to leave her alone too long.

Mom wants to buy another car, but being almost completely deaf, she would not be able to hear a car horn or a siren. Coupled with her lack of depth perception and the tendency to become easily confused means it would not be safe to drive again.

So the challenges continue. Most of the time I can address issues that arise via telephone, but the time is quickly arriving when, despite her objections, she will have to move in with me. She is a strong, independent woman with profound intellectual prowess, so the physical limitations are driving her crazy. My big-hearted, wonderful Mom is now facing new challenges that require outside help, and she hates that. God help us all!

Death by Narcissism

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The last several months have been insane, to say the least.  So, I shall summarize everything for each development in successive posts.  If nothing else, it will make things so much easier for me to keep straight and not repeat myself! 

This spring my youngest daughter returned to New Mexico in her escape from a very abusive narcissist.  I never really knew about narcissists, so much of what I learned was stark revelation. 

Fortunately, she happened to find a video on-line by an individual named Lee Hammock, who is diagnosed with narcissism, but wants to help others to understand (https://beacons.ai/mentalhealness).  What was described that was causing her so much misery from the man she thought she loved was precisely what Dr. Hammock was describing.  After more research, she knew she had to get away. 

So much has been learned, and I thought it would be good to share some of the highlights.  First, this is an area of psychology that is relatively new (less than 20 years), this branch of specialization is sociopathic.  Sociopathic specialization means studying the mental disorders that lead to killing others without feeling or remorse, which covers major psychological diseases, including extreme narcissism.  Turns out, Hannibal Lector (by this specialization’s criteria) has two types of sociopathy – psychopathy and narcissism. 

Symptoms may vary from person to person. The most common symptoms include: 

  • Being overly boastful, exaggerating one’s own achievements 
  • Pretending to be superior to others 
  • Lack of empathy for others 
  • Looking down on others as inferior
  • Monopolising conversations
  • Impatient, angry, unhappy, depressed or has mood swings when criticized
  • Easily disappointed when expected importance is not given
  • Always craves for “the best” in everything
  • Has a very fragile self-esteem

Anyone can have 1-3 of these symptoms and be considered normal; 4-5 symptoms means they are a narcissist.  However, when it hits six or more of these symptoms, the individual graduates to the sociopathic realm of disorder.   

The narcissist does not kill people like a psychopath does (i.e., Ted Bundy), but rather draws their victim close to them, undermines the victim to the point of break-down, then inspires and encourages suicide.   

The narcissist derives absolute joy and satisfaction from seeing an otherwise healthy, vibrant person begin to tear down and degrade to the point of suicide; this gives them satisfaction and a feeling of power.  In fact, the narcissist is incapable of empathy, love or other positive emotions.  The only time they feel satisfied is when others are praising them or when they can influence the destruction and death of someone — in the narcissist’s mind, this is the ultimate power.   

Even before the “success” of a suicide, the narcissist will practice behavior that is very destructive to those close to them, i.e., cheating on their mate, syphoning money from an account, telling “tales” that are false.  If caught and questioned or confronted, a narcissist will go into a blinding rage.  Why?  It is a very successful tactic that forces others to question and/or disbelieve the information regardless of the proof’s validity.  Once the victim is forced to backdown, the victim usually apologizes for presenting such atrocities to a narcissist.  This is a great reward for a narcissist – the power to control another and the joy of watching the obvious destruction of the victim by forcing them to deny truth and question their mental capacity. 

After a narcissist’s inspired suicide, the narcissist derives deep personal satisfaction, and will use the victim’s death as a tool to acquire sympathy, support (money, resources) and admiration from others, plus possibly zero in on a new victim.  As in, “poor me, how I suffer because they did that, so feel sorry for me and give me your [support/money/admiration] for being able to overcome what they caused.” 

So why give this topic so much attention?  Because I have come to the realization that narcissism is incredibly pervasive in America, because I now have a deeper understanding of the cause of so much of the abuse suffered today, and because I hope to help others see and protect themselves from becoming victims. Especially since a narcissist makes every effort to present a wonderful person to the public and their nightmare is created behind closed doors. 

There is so much information available regarding this subject on the internet right now.  If you think you may be in contact with a narcissist, check it out.  If not, check it out anyway.  Knowing the signs may very well keep you alive! 

Involuntary Multi-Tasking

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Maintaining our present residence while simultaneously preparing the future permanent homestead seems to present unexpected extra duties. So, besides working on the property to prep for gardening, working on the chicken run and house, fixing and working on the house, and the work involved in seasonal needs, we are also trying to gauge what can be packed and moved versus what needs to wait so we can continue having access to things (i.e., cookware and tools).

One small detail we had misjudged was seasonal clothes. Wow, have you ever tried working in 80+ degree weather with sweat shirts? Jim can work without a shirt, but not an option for me! Took a few days just to dig out the boxes of summer wear and before we could swap the contents. After winter stuff was packed up, we decided to keep off-season clothes in one spot versus scattered with everything else. Can’t believe this simple detail could make things so “interesting.”

We had a nice pile of firewood to move and split that was left over from this last winter. So, Jim began splitting up some of the logs. This makes it easier to stack at the house. So, Jim split half the logs, piled split and unsplit logs onto the trailer, moved it to the house, and made a nice stack for next winter.

Had a fun blessing in the midst of all the work, though. Mother’s Day. My oldest daughter gave me a gift certificate for my favorite body wash. My youngest daughter made a wonderful dinner for me at the house.

Her friend and Jim were put to work grilling some steaks, and Carol prepared all the side dishes. As a fun treat, she even had a bowl of Cheetos on the table (one of my weaknesses). Such a wonderful day!